Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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