The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
