we made out on top of his cat.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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