Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
and eventually we just all took our pants off
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
