On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
