Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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