I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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