I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
