dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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