the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
