Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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