he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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