I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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