my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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