I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
