What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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