Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
