I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
