OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
