any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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