I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
