I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize