i think my tv is drunk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
