I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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