I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
PANTIES FOUND
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
