ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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