i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
