Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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