I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
