So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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