FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
