I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
