the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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