Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
