I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
