I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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