i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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