so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
