Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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