I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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