I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Randomize
