OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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