Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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