I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
FUCK WHALES
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
