my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We need a shit load of segways right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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