I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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