she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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