i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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