go do what you do best...puke behind churches
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
