fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They took my balls.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
