I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
