I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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