Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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