totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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