jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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