look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
