i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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