That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
