conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
