I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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