i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
