awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
