could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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