I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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